Before I start my statement below, I want to clear up some context. On this site, I am usually farcical, I poke fun, I make jokes. What I am stating below is not farcical, or fun, or a joke. This is not sarcasm, satire or any moment of levity. I am being serious. Take my words here and below literally, at face value. I do not intend any sense of humor in this post. I will explain my language and intent to the best of my ability.
I state this because written communication can easily be misunderstood. You don’t see the writer’s face, their body language, their surroundings, their actions, etc. You, and everyone communicating through reading or writing, for example, can’t see the writer’s eyes. If I state something to you, and I am crying, you will have a different understanding of what I am saying and intend than if I stated the same words but was smiling. I use this as one example of how written communication can be misinterpreted, and how an aspect of communication can change the meaning of what is being communicated. Consider that, right now, you cannot read my face, and that makes it that much harder to read my tone.
I will then state my tone. My tone is that of seriousness.
This is the start of my statement.
There is a lot of talk of unions renegotiating contracts, suppliers renegotiating contracts, workers renegotiating contracts.
For thirty eight years, I have lived by the unwritten social contract. I don’t know what that is. You probably don’t, either. It’s unwritten. If you understand what I am talking about, you can name a few rules. But an understanding of these “rules” can and often changes, depending on who you talk to.
I do not consider these rules. It’s a rough sense to navigate society as an adult, though. And for 38 years, I didn’t think they worked, but they were enough to get by.
I am renegotiating my contract with every person on earth.
I will talk briefly about my experiences. I provide them below only as context to who I am, some things that have shaped me and my behavior, and the things I value. You can choose to read this part or not. After this section, I will make it very clear what the terms of the contract will be that I propose, some of those implications, and why I am asking for this understanding from any individual who wishes to interact with me.
I am 38, and I live in the United States. I have lived in the region called New England. My work history has been spotty. I am diagnosed bipolar by a licensed doctor. I have a three year old daughter. As of today, November 6, I am homeless and jobless, and have been for several weeks, and have not been able to make myself an opportunity otherwise. I am sleeping in a hostel. I have bought an airbnb after my stay here, and I have purchased temporary housing there until Jan. 2022. I do not have plans on where I will shelter myself starting Jan. 2022. I have about $10,000 in my bank account, plus what I consider a substantial amount of dollars in liquidatable assets off the grid, not tracked officially.
I am diagnosed bipolar. I have been hospitalized at least five times. I understand what these hospitalizations have done to me. I am aware I have weird things I do. I mutter to myself. I make weird gasps and facial expressions. People usually get what I’m trying to do. Just a quick glance and they read me easily.
I have multiple experiences in mental health wards, and several interactions with licensed doctors and nurses, and I understand they have done their best to treat me and my maladies. They use the best knowledge they have available, and science isn’t perfect, as it’s a process to learn knowledge. They made mistakes, but they got some things right.
I left the hospital learning more tics than I would care to count. I have chosen to use many of these tics, because at the time, my doctors and nurses and security felt I was unpredictable. So I chose to appear predictable to them. I chose to let them imagine best what I would do, to predict my behavior, because otherwise they would administer medication I did not understand, or restraining I did not understand, or other forms of violence I would not be able to defend myself from.
I want to give more context of myself. My experiences also include multiple encounters with police. One incident includes five or six police officers wrestling me down to the ground and being arrested and removed by them. I have been physically restrained against my will multiple times, among other actions entirely without my will nor understanding. If you have not had this experience, I want you to consider that when five or six police officers in the US make an action to restrain you, you cannot predict the outcome. I could not predict the outcome. I believe that if during any of these forcible restraints, I were black, or any race considered a minority in the US, I would have been killed.
I also want to be clear about my motivations and my loyalties here. I want every one of you dead. Every one. Every human being on the planet earth, hear me, I want you all dead. I do not trust a room of you with my life. I have not trusted a room of you with my life. I have no reason to ever believe I can trust a room of you with my life. On multiple documented occasions, I have put my faith in God so to speak, shut my mouth, and let them do their will to my body. I observably have gotten out of these interactions alive for 38 years. If I had the power to kill every human being on earth, I see no moral need not to exercise it. The number of people whom I exclude from this statement is a very low number, and of whom I personally would not want to see suffer, or die, or feel emotional pain.
Everyone excluding those few I care about, if I had my will, I would consider if I were to walk up to you and strangle you in front of you that I would suffer no personal loss. With some of you, I would want you to see my face so you can understand that I chose to kill you, because I wanted to. It would bring me pleasure, comfort, and most importantly, personal, physical safety.
For thirty eight years, when in public I have made pretty obvious cues about what I intend to do. I have done this out of my own physical safety. I cannot defend myself and kill a room of ten people. I cannot predict what a group of armed police, when they approach me, may intend to do to me. I consider myself reasonably strong, and I feel I have a chance to kill one of these persons, one on one, should the need or desire arise. I feel safe on my own, and reasonably safe within a small group of strangers.
This is the context of who I am, as a human being. Some of these statements are facts provable by evidence, and others are my thoughts. I am telling you my tone is serious as you may not know me and I want you to understand what I’m trying to communicate. This is not a joke to me.
This is the contract I ask. I ask this to every person on this planet regardless, and understand I can’t control the actions of Presidents or Prime Ministers or CEOs or the person who sells tacos at taco bell. I don’t intend to control any of their actions, either. It is logically apparent and personally disturbing that I cannot enforce what I intend to be my contract in a room with ten of you. But know that I can, and consider myself with the right, to enforce this agreement and defend what I consider my right with any individual or individuals who cross my path any day, any time.
This is what I declare as my one right, that only I am entitled to know my own thoughts. And that there is no other being, demonstrably real or otherwise, that has any right to knowledge or possession of my own personal thoughts.
You may ask what I am thinking. I may decline. There is no circumstance that it is your right to know my thoughts.
What I think, in my own head, is my personal property. I own it. If you are not sure what my thoughts are, you may ask me. I will probably ask you why you want to ask me. I want to determine for myself if I can reasonably trust you with my life. I have reasonable experiences in my life that I must question this very assumption in order to survive.
I don’t care what your job is. I am not addressing your union. I am not addressing your political leaders. I am addressing anyone who reads this, anyone who has encountered or may yet encounter me. My rule is, if you want to know what I’m thinking, ask. It is my right to share my thoughts with you, or not.
Your job does not take that right from me.
Your wealth does not take that right from me.
Who you fuck does not take that right from me.
What you think, what you wear, your religion, does not take that right from me.
That right is sacred to me, it always has been, and I ask you understand that about me before we continue.
There is no circumstance where you own that right. It is my right to keep my thoughts to myself. If I buy groceries, you do not own the right to know why I did that. If I swerve on the road, you do not own the right to know what I was thinking. If I kill you today, you do not own the right to know my thoughts as I am killing you.
To provide context of myself, I have given my thoughts to you above out of my own free will. But you have never had a right to possess these without my willing consent. Tomorrow, my thoughts may be different, and you don’t have a right to those thoughts either.
If I don’t mutter to myself, you have no right to know my thoughts. If I don’t sigh, or laugh, or tell you you’re funny, you have no right to my thoughts.
You may not administer drugs to me to have a right to know my thoughts. You may not threaten me with death or physical torture or what you may perceive as “hell on earth” because you are still not entitled to know my thoughts. Consider what your definition of “hell on earth” is and consider what my definition of “hell on earth” may be.
You may ask me what my thoughts are. Then I may tell you or not.
You may think I am lying. I don’t care. You may ask if I am lying. I may answer, or I may not. You are still not entitled to my thoughts.
I want to remind you of the preface I had regarding tone. I am still serious. I am not joking around. This involves my basic survival in not just escalated situations, but any situation that can become as such, ie, when I encounter someone who has clear ability to overpower me, or summon those who can, and with the apparent intent to do so.
This is my statement to the individuals of the world. Understand how I work first. I repeat myself in as many ways I can so as to be as clear and as well-understood as I can manage.
There is no circumstance under God’s green earth, or in the universe, where anyone who is not myself is entitled to know the thoughts in my head. That is not your right, and I have never considered that your right for my entire life.
That is my understanding with every person I walk into. That is my sacred law. If you violate that one part of me, I consider there can be no agreement between us, and no understanding.
When we cross paths, understand that is who I am. Certain forces in the world have had their influence in my shaping, and know that other forces will continue to influence that. But here I present who I consider I am as best as I can so that you may understand what I am asking.
I am asking for a mutual understanding with any individual alive on this world. I have stated what I am seeking, an acknowledgment that I personally have this one right sacred to me, that you personally may not pursue obtaining my thoughts without my consent, and that you recognize and uphold that right to the best of your human ability. I do not know what you are seeking. If you wish for a mutual understanding, you will need to make that known to me. You will also need to make clear to me what terms you will request for such a possible agreement. And then we will determine if a mutual understanding can consensually be reached, with as full an understanding as possible between both parties, and then we may enter upon that agreement as well.
I will only consider entering a mutual understanding with another individual through means verbal or written, again, with consent and the best understanding possible between myself and the other party, and with an acknowledgement that the agreement is recognized to be entered upon by both parties, and with both parties physically present.
I intend to listen, and I will do my best to understand what you consider a fair understanding between us, as that is in my best interests.
I will try my best to understand your terms, and will let you know if I accept your terms, and that I will likewise do my best that you understand what it is you’re agreeing to with me, and those implications. Any misunderstandings of any portion of such mutual understanding at any point during the negotiation of such an understanding, or after agreement to engage in such an understanding, I will intend to engage in arbitration directly between only myself and the other party of such understanding. I assume there will be no third party to speak on your behalf unless expressly stated and defined by yourself.
I am imperfect, you are imperfect, an agreement is imperfect. But understand this, that if you consider that you have a right to know what I am thinking, and you attempt to pursue that willfully knowing this is the only thing sacred to me and without my consent, and I have determined this is your intent, understand I will defend this sacred right to me by any means I can possibly imagine. Also understand that you may have already violated this right that is sacred to me in a prior interaction. In which case, I may remember you, and if I do, know I do deeply desire that you remember what you have done to me and consider what you have taken from me.
I restate the right that is sacred to me. You have no right to my thoughts.
I do not know what agreement you may want with me. If I bump into you on the street, you are always welcome to ask me, to discuss, and to negotiate, but I can only consider an agreement entered into with the willful acceptance and best understanding of both parties, you and I. You may make any communication with me in any way you see fit, but understand that I only recognize the entering of an agreement through verbal or written communication, with myself and the party entering physically present. I reiterate what I consider my sacred right, that you have no claim or ownership to my thoughts, and reiterate that there are implications and scenarios to be understood by both parties before a mutual agreement can be understood and willfully entered. At all times I do fully intend to defend what I consider my sacred right through any action I can take by my person in any way I can possibly imagine.
I understand I cannot control the actions that may or may not happen in this world. I understand I have no control over what you do, or what you do to me. And you are welcome to try to negotiate with me what contract you want. But I’m letting you know, up front, what I personally am asking for.
I am asking for this for I observe there are many members of my society who have and will continue to violate what I consider the most sacred part of me, and I intend that what I am asking for, if agreed upon, will protect that part of me I personally need to live. I do not accept living in a world where should I pursue basic human function and that my pursuit may or may not result in my being killed by another member of my society, that there be no mutual understanding why that should be, nor any recourse on my part to self advocate or have any reasonable attempt at resolution or reconciliation as to prevent such future loss or to make right such a loss to others who may have an interest in my living. I have defined my intent of interactions here. I will offer another scenario by which I consider myself deeply and irrevocably violated. You may ask me for my thoughts. Should I decline, I have given you no right to make any attempt to learn my thoughts by any means you should inflict, including by means coercive, corporeal, pharmaceutical, financial, etc. ad infinitum. Your continuance through any and/or all of these stated means, and any other means not explicitly stated here, I consider a violation of what I consider my right to possess, maintain, and defend my own thoughts. I furthermore do not consider there to be any rationale wherein I have lost the right to possession of my own thoughts and that that particular part of my property of myself should be rendered to any other person or entity, in whatever way, shape, or form that may ever be determined by myself, as I am originator and owner of my own thoughts.
I set forth another example so as to clarify our responsibilities in a common interaction. You have no right to possess my thoughts. Should you ever consider, insist, believe, claim etc. that you know my thoughts, your claim shall be defined as such: your consideration of what my thoughts are your thoughts under your property and control, and are your responsibility as defined by you.
Should you claim to have possession of what you consider to be my thoughts, consider that my thoughts are defined explicitly by myself, as I am able to recognize them, for I have originated them within myself and understand their intent, their function, etc.
Your claim to possess my thoughts, therefore cannot be determined without the willful explicit consent of the original owner, ie myself.
To define a final common scenario, this statement that you read does not fall under what I consider to be my definition of my thoughts. What you read I consider a statement composed of language. I intend to use this statement and language herein so that we have a common understanding of responsibilities between myself and any other party whom I may cross paths with and interact, and potentially, pursue a mutual understanding. This statement is a guide on what I expect from you and what to expect from me. Whatever agreement I have entered with another party will have been defined with myself and that other party. Myself and that party will define the terms of our agreement and discuss scenarios as we have both seen fit. This written statement, again, I do not consider under what I define as my thoughts, and I recognize anyone may duplicate, alter, or do anything they want with such a statement, generate their own statement entirely, that they may claim such a statement as their own in any way they see fit, as that is their action, and their responsibility, and not my responsibility.
My thoughts as I have defined them are explicitly generated within myself. No party has a right to possess them without my willful consent.
I now specifically address a group of members of my society who I understand may feel that the right I consider for myself, again, that only I have the right to possess my own thoughts, should not be a right they should need to recognize. I have always recognized this as my right since the day of my birth. Whether you understand you should recognize this as my right, that understanding and recognition you possess I define as your thoughts, and I don’t care what your thoughts are. I offer to these members expressly that should they wish to enter a similar agreement with myself that I offer to everyone, that if I deem for myself that both parties act in good faith and willful intention, again, an agreement negotiated with as best knowledge as I can determine, entered with full consent, and expressly entered by both parties, I will honor all such agreements entered with no discernment to the best of my human ability. One further clarification, if you wish to engage in such an understanding with me and offer what you consider to be your love, or your heart, or any other such thing that can only be generated within yourself and only ascertained by yourself, I consider this as your thoughts, the definition of which I have no right to define, in the same way as you have means to define my definition of what I consider to be my thoughts. I have expressly directed an emphasis toward this group that I understand will do me harm so that we have an opportunity on an individual basis, one by one, to come to a clear and equitable understanding. To clarify, I can offer no guarantee that we can come to a clear and equitable understanding. A clear and equitable understanding must be agreed upon by myself and the other individual willfully with as full an understanding as possible, and without duress to either party. This is only an offer to negotiate a mutual understanding, and a negotiation is not a mutual understanding, contract, boundary, rule, law, etc.
I have made my intention herein as clear as I can to the best of my ability. I recognize I cannot anticipate any action another person may take, with me or against me or irregardless of me, and I recognize that I have no predictive power over what may or may not happen as observable at any point in the remaining future. I fully understand that anything is possible in this society, in the realm of the world and in the greater universe, that I am incapable of any substantial power to fully understand it and/or to control it, and accept that there is and always has been the possibility of my complete and entire loss, including material possessions and my personal death, upon any point in the remaining future. I understand that my actions or inactions are my own responsibility, and that I accept as the full extent of my power. And while I understand that, to the best of my knowledge, anything is possible in this society, I explicitly acknowledge that my thoughts and my understanding does not determine any future outcome; I value my thoughts and understanding so that I may better inform my actions; and that I intend my actions to bring about the fruit I am seeking to ultimately harvest for myself; and the observable wisdom that my actions are no guarantee, nor ever have been a guarantee, of what my harvest ultimately will or will not be.
This is the conclusion of my statement, which I term to be The Renegotiation of My Contract, a document I have made willingly myself, as directed toward everyone who may claim to have a vested interest in this writing and communication for any reason whatsoever.