I recently “discovered God,” as they say, and wanted to immortalize my understanding of Him in a blog post and religion.

Keeferianism (still working on the name):

The knowledge that God exists, and the belief that S/He certainly does not.

That’s it.

 

****

 

The following you can read as a “Bible/Koran” etc. It’s an example of my religion in practice.

EXAMPLE:

Me (at a party with friends)

God (walks in unannounced): Want to hear a joke?

MK: Wait, you. Whut. Why.

God: *tells story of Noah’s Flood*

God: *tells story of fall of Babylon*

God: *tells story of my life (1)*

God: (1) – From January 1, 2020 to present, I had produced by Maury Povich, Jerry Springer, Douglas Adams, etc. etc.

MK: *checks notes*

God: *checks notes*

MK: …

God: …

MK: And?

God: Do I exist?

MK: Yes. And?

God: Do you believe in me?

MK: No.

God: Why?

MK: Because that’s how belief works, Mother Fucker. Eat shit and die again, for all I care. You’re not funny.

 

****

EXAMPLE #2:

(slightly stoned guy at party, sobering up)

God: Want to see a magic trick? Do you believe in me? *fans deck of cards* Pick a card, any card.

SG: Dude, that’s not funny. People died for You.

God: Any card, any card.

 

****

EXAMPLE #3 (2 hours later):

God, playing Texas Hold ‘Em: Okay, I’m in. *raises bet*

Cute chick, antes up

God: I don’t know which book you read about Me, but just one question: did you read the whole thing?

 

****

 

Imitators, liars, and falser prophets encouraged and demanded to spread and spill The Word. End post and religion.

-Mgmt

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