I recently “discovered God,” as they say, and wanted to immortalize my understanding of Him in a blog post and religion.
Keeferianism (still working on the name):
The knowledge that God exists, and the belief that S/He certainly does not.
That’s it.
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The following you can read as a “Bible/Koran” etc. It’s an example of my religion in practice.
EXAMPLE:
Me (at a party with friends)
God (walks in unannounced): Want to hear a joke?
MK: Wait, you. Whut. Why.
God: *tells story of Noah’s Flood*
God: *tells story of fall of Babylon*
God: *tells story of my life (1)*
God: (1) – From January 1, 2020 to present, I had produced by Maury Povich, Jerry Springer, Douglas Adams, etc. etc.
MK: *checks notes*
God: *checks notes*
MK: …
God: …
MK: And?
God: Do I exist?
MK: Yes. And?
God: Do you believe in me?
MK: No.
God: Why?
MK: Because that’s how belief works, Mother Fucker. Eat shit and die again, for all I care. You’re not funny.
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EXAMPLE #2:
(slightly stoned guy at party, sobering up)
God: Want to see a magic trick? Do you believe in me? *fans deck of cards* Pick a card, any card.
SG: Dude, that’s not funny. People died for You.
God: Any card, any card.
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EXAMPLE #3 (2 hours later):
God, playing Texas Hold ‘Em: Okay, I’m in. *raises bet*
Cute chick, antes up
God: I don’t know which book you read about Me, but just one question: did you read the whole thing?
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Imitators, liars, and falser prophets encouraged and demanded to spread and spill The Word. End post and religion.
-Mgmt